Horror Double Bill - CURSE OF CHUCKY (2013) and DARK TOUCH (2013)

It occurred to me recently that I've been treating horror cinema rather harshly of late. Our relationship has never lost that fire, but I've sorta been cheating on the genres cinematic output and focusing my attention far more on the literary side of things. I've been exploring a whole host of new authors, and re-reading some of the greats, and in doing so, I've partially abandoned the wondrous world of film for a time.

Not cool.

Well, its finally our favorite time of year - the fall, and with that comes that old familiar burning desire to vegetate on the sofa with endless buckets of popcorn, and give the better half a reason to dump our sorry, macabre-centric asses and find a more mentally balanced partner. 

I like to believe that for every leave that falls in the autumn, a horror fan somewhere on our crazy planet downs a cold one in honor of Jason, Micheal, Chucky, Freddy, Leatherface et all. Its a good time to be alive, man. And with the change in weather, I've found my second wind...

Yep, I've been watching a shit-ton of dark cinema this past week, and while it ain't all been a skip through a daisy field, there have been some pretty high watermarks to vanquish the bitter memory of the low.

But look, we're all busy here, so I'll cut to the chase...

Time ain't on my side of late, and it pains me to not get the word out about the movies I see, so I thought I'd try a different technique.

The reviews will be shorter than my usual, but hopefully concise, and maybe even point you in the direction of some movies you may have overlooked, or that may have been unfairly treated at the hands of the mainstream critics out there. Any suggestions are welcome, of course, kids.

So, no more foreplay...lets get on the bed.

First up is :

CURSE OF CHUCKY

Synopsis - After a long hiatus, the killer doll is back causing more bloodshed and mayhem. When an isolated mother and her wheelchair bound daughter receive a mysterious gift in the mail - an old school 80's Good-Guy doll - it sets in motion the evil Chucky's latest slaughter-spree, as the families past comes back to haunt them. With a knife. A sharp, sharp knife...

Everyone loves Chucky, don't they? The violent little bastard has been cutting a swathe through cinema since the late 80's, and when looked at in retrospect, the franchise as a whole actualy stands uop pretty well. Now, of course, SEED OF CHUCKY fucked all that up royally somewhere around a decade ago, but with CURSE, the original creator, writer and director of CHILDS PLAY has made a valiant and damned entertaining return to what made the half-pint headcase such a cool character in the first place. 

For my money, this is the best in the series since the first. Its got a wonderful, Gothic setting - a huge mansion, full of dark corridors, brooding architecture and cobweb-ridden attics, a stunningly beautiful and very talented lead, (the daughter of Brad Douriff, no less), some genuine tension, great cinematography, and - praise be - no fucking CG. 

Chucky has never looked better, nor felt more threatening that in CURSE. The lampooning air that permeated the previous two entries in the franchise has been jettisoned in favor of back-to-basics scares, a more serious tone, a reliance on atmosphere and eeriness, and a plot that actually tries to forward the series in some ways. Its all pretty tip-top for a chapter in a franchise that spans three decades. By this point in Jason's career, he was killing kids on a spaceship while dressed up like the gay-porno version of Robocop.

It ain't flawless - the tone of the final scene is too light to fit in with whats come before, some of the kills happen off-screen, and there are some glaring visual inconsistencies, (and no, I don't mean in Chucky ever-changing appearance; that's always been the case) - but its a determined return to form for the homicidal 'Good-Guy Doll'. Well worth checking out and without doubt a perfect flick for the Halloween season.

7.5 Creepy Little Bastards out of 10

DARK TOUCH

Synopsis - In the aftermath of the brutal slaying of her family, a young girl insists it was supernatural forces that killed them. As she moves into a caring families home and attempts to escape her horrific past, traumas resurface and she learns that not only is she right, but she may be the key to what occurred. 

For a small indie film, DARK TOUCH is making some sizable waves on the festival circuit. Its already being proclaimed, 'the superior telekinesis thriller of the year', (the other being the upcoming new adaptation of Stephen Kings CARRIE), and while I disagree on some counts, I can see why the film is garnering such credit among my fellow critics. This is a dark, mature and occasionally disturbing look at child abuse, and the viral nature of the harm it inflicts upon the innocent. It's a violent expression of the inherent anger we feel as a society towards the harming of our young, and its a decent little Irish export. What it's not however, is the masterpiece its being heralded as

Initially, this bleak, depressing little horror film feels a little chaotic in its pacing. Going in blind, its at first a little tough to get to grips with the directors intent, but stick with it. The prolonged opening makes way for some pretty interesting stuff.. 

The performances are all solid, and all the kids manage to hold their own with the more experienced adult cast. The lead actress puts in an especially haunting performance, and those of you sporting geek-vision may spot Rikkon from the mighty GAME OF THRONES in there too. Where the fuck is he now that Bran's ditched him anyway?

The hype surrounding DARK TOUCH may have some viewers setting their expectations a little too high. After all, its not a great film - the pacing lacks a certain focus, and the overall tone may be too despairing for some - but it is a worthwhile film. It's well shot and directed, and made with a real passion and a real message that, sadly, holds great relevance in today's society. It's refreshing to see new talent spring forth with such an authentic and impassioned voice, but I couldn't help finding the whole en-devour a little disjointed and often lacking in subtlety. 

Go in with an open mind, and you may enjoy it. I've been wrong before, man. 

5.5 Telekinetic Terrors out of 10

Review : The Conjuring (2013)

Well hello again! 

The Horror Hotel is re-open for business. 

The perils of a new job, a new lifestyle, and taking a kicking from an 'as-yet-unspecified' illness, have led me to distance myself from the world of horror for a spell. I've been reading horror literature like a beast, (take a bow, Bryan Smith),  but I haven't really been grooving on the genres cinematic output. Too much going on, as it were. A mind unsettled makes for a poor companion in the cinema stalls...

That all changed when, out of the blue, I learned about a new horror film; (a ghost story to be precise), centered around the famous paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, (they of Amityville notoriety). A movie based on what they personally felt was their most disturbing case, and one kept under wraps until very recently, (and I won't divulge any details here). How could I resist? I love a good paranormal tale, even though by daylight I'm as skeptical and logical about such matters as can be; there's just something inherently terrifying on a primal level about a well-told spook story that never fails to freeze me blood and cut my imagination loose. As a rule, I always watch ghost stories alone, in the dark, with the shadows creeping around my shoulders for maximum effect as, (and all you horror aficionados will agree, I'm sure), it gets very hard to find effectively scary material out there. The more you watch and are exposed to; the less you tend to morph into a squealing little bitch.


So what was it that inspired me to drag my feeble carcass from the ailment-bound comfort of my cavern and make the quest to my local theater to watch a film of the type that I swore I'd only watch under my own controlled circumstances? James Wan, that's what.

If ever the horror genre had a director who embodied the definition of underrated, its Wan. His first film, SAW was a huge success, and in some ways its commercial viability, (and its unending cycle of sequels), diluted the sheer display of passion and talent that Wan brought to the gory proceedings. I'm not a torture porn fan, however, and it was his second horror film, DEAD SILENCE, that sealed the deal for me, and in my mind, shone a light on this most bright and brilliant of horror masters. DEAD SILENCE received mixed reviews, but for me, it was one of the scariest and most authentically nightmarish film I'd witnessed since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. It spoke to the scared kid inside me, who still believes in the monster under the bed, the threatening whispers on the wind, and the utter fucking soulless evil that dwells in each and every doll on earth, especially ventriloquists dolls! What really baked my noodles though, was the films look...it felt like a love letter to the classic Hammer Horror films that haunted my youth, and was as visually beautiful as any film in recent memory. It felt at once both retro and contemporary. Minimal gore, maximum atmosphere and visual flair. I loved it.

Wans next proper horror film was the far-better-received INSIDIOUS, a film of two halves in many ways, which scared me so badly I almost never got through the damn thing. Its uneven, yes, but it showcased a director reaching the peak of his ability, and one with a precise grasp on what truly scares us. You can read my review of the film here...

So with total faith in the mans ability, I decided to lob my own rule-book into the fire and go see a ghost story with an audience. On the big screen. In the daytime. With my partner.

I'm suitably ashamed of myself, but I'm glad I made the effort. Wan has went yet another step further in cementing his place as a modern horror master.

As THE CONJURING opens, it becomes immediately clear that this work is a bedfellow of INSIDIOUS...the music, the drum-tight tension and the claustrophobic atmosphere are all present and correct. Some may find it to be a little too close in style and content to the film that precedes it, but there's a whole lot more going on here than an artist simply repeating past glories. This is a film made by an artist who understands the genre in the same way John Carpenter and Dario Argento once did; as a breeding ground for nightmares, in which all the tricks in the box can and should be used to bring the audience right to the brink of total fear, then push them straight over the edge.

The films setting, that of the halcyon days of the 1970's, not only serves to ground the story in a sort of culture-born supernatural-tale authenticity, but lends Wan and his supremely talented crew the opportunity to build, from the ground up, a film that feels in every way, like its been lost for decades in some dusty attic somewhere, and has been discovered, dusted off and mined for all its worth. This is as close to watching a horror film onscreen in the seventies as my generation is gonna get, and its glorious. In much the same way that Ti Wests HOUSE OF THE DEVIL transcended its 80's inspired feel and actually seemed to embody the era it emulated, THE CONJURING is as damn near time-travel as your gonna get in this CG infested shit-storm we call 2013. The soft browns and yellows of its subdued color pallet, the wide shots, the zoom ins, the costume design, the music and the performances all feel like they were ripped out of time.

Anyone who remembers being a kid and watching THE AMITYVILLE HORROR on television in the early 80's, and has fond, frightening memories of doing so, is probably going to love this thing. Its among the most visually appealing films I've seen in recent years, of any variety.

I know, I know..."Nobody gives a fuck what you think of its artistry, you cineaste loser! IS IT SCARY?!?!", I hear you cry.

Yep. Its pretty fucking scary.

There's very little you won't have seen before. After all, ghost stories often tread the same or similar paths, and its been this way since the sub-genres inception, but the scares are brought forth with such skill, and the tension is honed with such precision that what at first seems like a run-of-the-mill, (albeit beautiful) ghost story, very slowly creeps up on you unawares until, before you even realize it, has you firmly freaked out and at the mercy of its ever-building sense of evil-chaos. Wan has taken all his previous experience and honed it, reshaped it, and given it a new, more subtle edge that could well see THE CONJURING becoming every bit as beloved as INSIDIOUS, perhaps even more so. Like father, like son...

Is it as scary as INSIDIOUS? I'm not in a position to answer that yet, sadly. I saw Wans last work under my own set of rules and it ruined me. THE CONJURING didn't quite have the same effect, but it never could have, being that I saw it under circumstances far removed from my usual self-imposed 'fear-zone'. I was properly frightened though, and would dare to say that when I catch it again, at home as the autumn leaves fall...then yes, it'll probably be more than the equal of INSIDIOUS. Its more relate-able, for one thing. Better directed for another, and most importantly, it feels like this could very well happen to your family. And that's a trait that the second half of INSIDIOUS arguably jettisoned in favor of astral surrealism and night-terror imagery.

Under the correct circumstances, THE CONJURING could well rank among the scariest film I've ever seen; right alongside SUSPIRIA, BLACK CHRISTMAS, EL ORFANTO, THE CHANGELING and yes, good old DEAD SILENCE and INSIDIOUS, ( we never speak of ARACHNOPHOBIA...never!). Time will tell, but the films basis in reality, (or at least the supposition of reality), and its initially subtle sense of dread that builds to outright demonic fuckery, should be enough to scare most of the populace out of a few nights sleep at the very least.

I must note once more that Wans direction is bolstered by an absolutely outstanding cast and crew. Everyone treats this shit like its 'The Last Great Horror movie'...

It's got a brilliant cast, headed up by the ever-sexy Mrs Bates, playing Lorraine Warren, and the probably equally ever-sexy Night Owl as her old man, Ed. Both actors put in fantastic performances, and are supported by a very impressive host of secondary characters; not least the kids. Yep, this fucker features not one, not two but six child actors, all female, and the all knock it out of the park. In one seriously frightening sequence involving little more than a shadow by a door and the performance of one young actress, your guaranteed to pee down your leg a little bit. (Don't be ashamed...your not alone in this.)

The real star, for my money though, was Lili Taylor. Haven't seen her in a long time, and as my last memory of her is linked to her unfortunate appearance in the stunningly horseshit remake of THE HAUNTING, its probably with good reason. Rest assured she's brilliant here. Portraying an ordinary, loving family woman who's slowly torn asunder by the evil infesting her home, she brings a real warmth and heart to the show. I loved her.

Cinematography on the film is spellbinding. Much like Carpenters best moments, (hi there, HALLOWEEN), the camera seems to prowl the house with a sentience all its own. Its at once involving and very disconcerting. A scene featuring a (possible) threat under a bed, has the camera spinning all damn directions, and another see's it roll overhead as a character simply walks down a dread-drenched hallway. The overriding impression is that the camera is watching, very stealthily and with evil intent. Its a trip just rolling with this thing.

The soundtrack, and all the sound design, harkens back to INSIDIOUS and its freakishly satanic scoring. It's even better realized this time, however, with every musical beat mirroring the demonic imagery perfectly, and the sound design is just fucking chilling.

As I stated earlier; Wan knows all the tricks and has found new, clever ways to make them fresh again. it;s all here...the subtle scares, the big scares, the devilish imagery, the music, the atmosphere...this is as good as modern horror cinema gets.

Everyone should see this film; whether your a genre fan or not. It may well be the first horror film since THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS to garner attention come the award season, but all that is just who-gives-a-shit  material. This is just damn fine cinema, and the perfect way to introduce friends and family to just how inventive and entertaining horror can be when in the right hands.I don't know how much of this story is true, and nor do I care. Give me creepy demonology and holy terrors and I'm in.

This is pure horror, and a film that will stay with you long after experiencing it. There's no gore to speak of, no sex and only a sprinkling of violent imagery. No...THE CONJURING received its R/15 ratings simply because its fucking scary.

That's reason enough to see it, right there. Now get going...

10 Hand-claps out of 10

Authors Note : As usual, I avoided all the trailers before seeing THE CONJURING. I've now seen them after viewing the film, and they do give away a great deal of the films scares; certainly within its first 45 minutes. Please, please, please AVOID all trailers for this and other horror cinema. The suits have no respect for the art-form and are more than happy to ruin or depress the experience simply to make a buck. Fuck them. Always go in blind and show the artists the respect their work deserves -Kyle.

Review : Hellgate (2011)

 

Director:

John Penney

Writer:

John Penney

Stars:

Liz Burnette, Cary Elwes and John Henbest

This is a real shame..

I only learned about HELLGATE two days prior to its VOD release and I know they say you should never judge a book by it's cover;but that's exactly what I did with this one. Not just its cover, mind you, but its title. I'm a sucker for all things hellbound, and the artwork led me to believe that this would be the sort of film that comes along all to rarely, a hell-set horror with some real bite. Once again...I'm let down by my none-to-unrealistic expectations.

I've never understood why it seems so difficult to portray a valid hellscape onscreen. Its been portrayed with amazing vision and detail in many ways by many writers, (perhaps the most visionary being that of Edward Lee in his INFERNAL series(. There have been a few cinematic exceptions, of course...HELLRAISER and its sequel spring immediatly to mind, but for every film that proffers us a glimpse of Satan's crib, there's ten that promise so much but never bring the goods. Look at the otherwise excellent THE NINTH GATE. I waited two hours to catch a peek at the goods and all I got was bright light. How about DRAG ME TO HELL, which teased us with demonic imagery but never let us see the actual 'dragging' per-se, (and no...three seconds of bad CG doesn't count). Even CONSTANTINE, which portrays a very christian hellscape, only spends a few minutes there. Its not fair, man. I want me some hell to chew on.

HELLGATE doesnt even bother trying to depict any kind of hell at all, although on viewing, it becomes clear that there's no real reason to. The title is very misleading, you see, (it was originally titled SHADOWS, which while pretty poor, is far more accurate). Nope, HELLGATE is, for two thirds of its plat-time, a run-of-the-mill ghost story told, sadly, with little-to-no panache, creative zeal or verve. Its not a terrible film by any means...it's just so devoid of any real creative energy.

The plot revolves around some fella (Cary Elwes) who barely survives a terrible car crash in which his kid and his sexy Taiwanese wife are killed to bits. As he undergoes his recovery, (with help from an equally hot Taiwanese nurse...I really need to visit this place), he begins to experience visions...from beyond the grave!!! Stop me if you've heard this before. The premise here is mildly spiced up by adding some ritualistic silliness (by way of a severely slumming William Hurt), that may or may not have a basis in the regions traditional spiritualism, and the final thirty minutes does pick up visually and creatively, but its not enough to elevate this story from the mire. Its just too familiar, guys. Sorry.

I wont lie, Im a very easy scare when its comes to ghosts, apparitions and the paranormal, but HELLGATE couldn't muster one chill from me. For any genre fan, every scare will be old-hat, and every annoying jump-scare will be telegraphed way ahead of time, (seemingly on purpose by use of a grating, droning sound). The characters are very flat, the script is bare bones, and we never care one iota for the fates of these guys and girls. Elwes is a horror staple thanks to the SAW series, but he's not an actor with enough gravitas to pull something meaningful out of so little. I like the guy, and I believed him in SAW, but I'm never convinced by his performance here. Hurt fares better simply by being Hurt, but he too has nothing to work with. He convinces with ease, but there's nothing for the audience to hold onto.

Instead of character dynamics and intellect, we get fast-cut jump scares, some loud bangs, and a great deal of that shaky-head thing that JACOBS LADDER done so well, and that every other film has botched ever since. It just doesn't cut it. I really do believe that all involved tried to make a frightening film, but it never grips.

There are a few positives though...the film looks beautiful, (not least in its lead actress), and features some stunning scenery from the locations in and around Bangkok, and the ritualistic nature of certain scenes as the film moves from Bustling Bangkok to its jungle bound finale is mildly diverting, but that's about it, folks.

Theres really not much more to say about HELLGATE. It's really something of a non-entity. It doesn't insult and it may contain a few scares for the younger teen audience, but its a pretty hard work to slog through if your in any way horror-centric. I hate to say it, and I wish all the goodwill in the world to its creators, but I have to admit that it commits the most cardinal sin in the realm of horror...it's boring.

(And if you wanna check out some finer entries in our genre, head over to LOVEFILM, where you can watch movies online, anytime and as often as you wish, just skip this one).
 
3.5 Shaker-makers out of 10 

Review : Paranorman (2012)

 

Directors:

Chris Butler, Sam Fell

Writer:

Chris Butler

Stars:

Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick and Christopher Mintz-Plasse

A misunderstood boy takes on ghosts, zombies and grown-ups to save his town from a centuries-old curse.

Now, I don't pretend to know a great deal about the intricacies of stop-motion, but I sure as hell know what I like, and I'll take stop-motion over CG any day of the week.

Nothing against CG artists...they do an incredible job, but for this old rodeo rider, there's very few things in the world of cinema that can captivate and charm like a solid, traditional animated tale. I grew up with Ray Harryhausen's cavalcade of creatures, and I still return to those magical films regularly...they never fail to resurrect the monster-mad kid that lives in my time-weathered soul. Its even more impressive to view a full film created in stop motion, and few horror fans will proclaim anything but love for A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and MAD MONSTER PARTY, and its into this very small, but very much loved family that PARANORMAN belongs.

The most obvious and striking thing here is, of course, the visuals. The world in which the tale takes place is simply beautiful to behold.Its pretty hard to grasp the imagination its creators must possess to give such vivid life to these characters and their environments. Normals town is simply brimming with vibrant, ghoulish life. His world is one that's both delightful on the eye, yet strangely warped. Like all good family horror, PARANORMAN implements all the staples of the genre that we often subconsciously love; from ghouls and ghosts, to Ghost-House-luminescent green lighting, fog and gnarled forestry. Its a world peppered with genre in-jokes and a shamelessly geeky understanding of genre cinema. All is shot with an autumnal palette that really gives the film that 'Halloween' flavor.

In short...its a horror fans wet dream, and is sure to elicit gasps of joy from audiences of all ages as we travel deeper into this truly authentic and engrossing world. This ole' geek has no words to describe the admiration I feel for the artists, which makes it all the more saddening that there are so few of these old school movies released these days. If nothing else grabs you in this film, the stop-motion universe sure will suck you into its majesty, and you'll willingly succumb. In recent memory, only TRICK 'R' TREAT has so perfectly encapsulated what makes horror so beloved.

Now, onto the story..

PARANORMAN comes across like a twisted, Gothic fairy tale that melds retro cinema magic with a more cynical, modern bite. In the character of Norman, many horror fans will find real kinship. His bedroom is garbed with all manner of horror memorabilia, and he's something of an outcast in his school life and at home due to his love for all things macabre...who does that remind you of? He even has the HALLOWEEN them as his ringtone.

Okay, so most of us don't communicate with ghosts on a daily basis, but we can all relate to a slightly quirky kid who's tastes flow more easily to the dark side of life. Hes a great lead character, and a surprisingly deep and layered one for an animated family film. There's real warmth and humanity put into these once inanimate models. Take one look at the actors involved, (see above), and as you would imagine, the voice cast are stellar, with the mighty John Goodman stealing the show even in limited capacity as Norman's estranged, and strange, uncle, (who shares Normans gift of communing with the deceased).

And its funny too, in a quirky, slightly queasy way. The jokes are often tinged with black humor, but often hit the mark as Normans world becomes ever more strange. For example, one early scene features the ghost of a family pet that has been sliced in half...the front half trots around behind the back half to sniff its own ass. Some would say its dark, or even distasteful, but I can see kids being delighted by this stuff. Kids are far less fragile than we think, and the many horror/adult elements that the film boasts should be plain sailing for most children. Haunted woods, spooky green witches and the living dead are all, well...kids stuff. The more adult themes, (which are central to the story) of familial acceptance, persecution, grief and injustice are deftly handled and with a real warmth. Our young ones can take it, at least when portrayed in such a gentle manner as they are here.

Don't get me wrong, the film does contain some freakishly tense moments, (for kids, I mean); I'm just saying that that is no bad thing. We all grew up with this sort of stuff. It shaped who we are. We'd be some unbelievable bastards if we didn't allow our little ones the same pleasures. When I think of horror in my head, I don't think of MARTYRS, or I SAW THE DEVIL. As great as those more adult works of horror are, I think of the glorious Technicolor terrors of the classic Hammer Films, or the fog-enshrouded forests of THE WOLFMAN. Childhood is the place where our love of the macabre takes root, and PARANORMAN fits perfectly into that mold. The constantly eerie visuals...the dark humor...the genuine love for horror past and present...the heartfelt message behind the tale...all these things conspire to make this a dead-cert future Halloween classic.

My daughter has only been on this planet for just over a year, and when watching PARANORMAN, only two things kept crossing my mind...1/ This is fucking awesome, and 2/ I can't wait to watch this with my baby girl. You cant really ask for more than that.

The story isn't exactly original, but that's besides the point here. this isn't about originality for all of us. For the kids, sure, but for the adults its all about familiarity and wistful memory. the balance is near perfect. There's also a timely and thoughtful message behind the tale which is easy to grasp for children without being in any way inauthentic. What we got here is a lovely blend of genre excess and emotional subtlety that holds up with the very best family films out there.

PARANORMAN will appeal to all ages. Its charm and wit will win over non-horror fans, and its ghoulish visual pizzazz will have old school fans salivating. Kids will adore and relate to the central character and his offbeat friends,(Mintz-Plasse is particularly hilarious), and the cinephiles will have a confidently crafted, stylishly directed and beautifully scored slice of offbeat cinema to chew on.

If, like myself, you a cineaste, an old school horror fan and a kid, (inside your heart),...well, you just found yourself a new Halloween tradition that just begs to be passed down to the younger generation. PARANORMAN is a fun, bittersweet tale that will captivate and touch audiences of all ages.

9 Witch-Hunters out of 10

Review : Paranormal Lack of Activity 4 (2012)

Authors Note : First of all, lemme just say HAPPY HALLOWEEN to everyone!

Sorry it's so belated, but my Internet was down for an extended period of time, and unfortunately, it happened just as our fave time of year came calling. So be it, gotta take the rough with the smooth, man. I did manage to watch a ridiculous amount of Horror during the season, as is my duty and my passion, and have a tidy little backlog of films to set about reviewing, (including, of course, THE WALKING DEAD S3E3). Bear with me folks. Now, onto the first of this months reviews....

Oh, and this review/rant will feature some spoilers, as its impossible to detail the films myriad flaws without exploring some of the plots more ridiculous twists. I'll keep the spoilers to a minimum, guys, although there's really nothing to spoil.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, should you not already be aware of this, is a full-tilt  disaster. I'll just throw that out there right off the bat for anyone who may be about to make the dire mistake of paying to see this nonsense. I'll give my reasons why its such a mess in due time, but in the slim chance your glancing at this review just as your putting on your jacket and heading for the door; mark my words.....do NOT pay to see this thing.

Buy something nice for your better half. Buy some Scotch and drink yourself good-looking. Hell, give your money to that homeless fella with the winning smile outside your local cornershop. I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself for doing it, and he deserves it a fuck-sight more than the makers of this franchise killer, even if he is sniffing bath-salts.

Speaking of the franchise; I'm a fan, by the way...

The first one scared the living daylights out of me, (despite the awful alterations made to its final moments), and as a standalone film, it was very satisfying. Its one of the few films in a long time that stayed with me long after its conclusion. It still gives me the fear when I watch it alone. Its potent, dread-filled and downright unsettling.

The second was really just more of the same, yet with a wider scope. It worked, not least in its addition of a newborn child into the mix. It was slow, but it was powerful.

The third shocked me, and gave the series a much needed kick in the nuts. It opened up the world more, and gave all those who bemoaned the first two films slower pacing, something to smile about. Its many peoples favourite. Me, I'll take the first one any day of the week, but each to their own...

Now, onto four.

I must admit, I went into this one with very low expectations. I'd read some reviews, and the general consensus was that this franchise had fallen into unworthy hands. I expected a cash-grab. Perhaps a somewhat tired retread of previous glories....despite all this, I had to see it for myself, (as I'm sure many of you will, too), but for once, I wish I'd listened to the masses. This was much worse than I could have imagined. It was almost unwatchable.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 begins with a short flashback to the events of part 2, when a demon-possessed Katie got a little kill-happy and abducted her nephew. In film 3, a prequel, we unearthed a few mysteries about what this demon was all about, so it should be instantly engaging now that we finally get to return to the present, and learn what has become of baby Hunter and his hellish nanny...

It's around five years later, and we're introduced to a new family, who just happen to live across the street from Katie, (what has she been doing all this time? Is she still possessed? Is she holding down a fucking job?), and her 'son', now known as Robbie. When Katie suddenly takes ill, our new family decide to take in her creepy-ass kid, (despite not knowing Katie OR the goddam kid...who are these people?), and strange shit immediatly starts to happen as Robbie befriends their own son. The daughter of the family and her perma-horny boyfriend decide to record all the 'activity' via laptops, in an attempt to get to the bottom of these strange events. Cue the same old shit minus the tension, dread, anticipation or intelligence of the previous three films.

It takes almost an hour before we get to ANY of the spooky stuff, (other than some old-hat, creepy kid stuff that's not even close to engaging), and when we do, its all the tricks we've seen before, only done so much better in the past. If the blueprint for a sequel is 'bigger/bolder/better' then the folks behind this soulless money-monster must have missed the memo. Everything here is small scale. Not subtle, mind you, just small scale and poorly handled.

Remember that scene in film 3 where everything in the kitchen clashes to the floor at once, propelling you from your seat? You got a sense of the demons malice, right? Not to mention one hell of a fright. Here, we have a knife. Just one. It floats to the ceiling, where it then apparently stays for a day or so, before dropping again. (is the demon holding it up there for some reason?) Thing is, the idea of this knife hanging over the families collective heads could have been a real crowd-pleaser and acted as a fine metaphor for the events unfolding. It could have made for a very tense setpiece. Instead, the knife floats up to the roof, only to eventually plunge back down and MISS the character its (perhaps) aiming for. The scene goes nowhere. This is all the more infuriating when you come to realise later on that all the kills are performed in the exact same manner asin  the previous movies. They could have went someplace new with this. Maybe go in an OMEN direction, with a freak accident leading to paranioa, mistrust and friction within the family unit. But no, the fucking knife just falls back down. Wow, this demon is such a badass....

I mentioned that it takes more than half the movie before the ghostly goings on really begin, but rest assured, before that point, you WILL sit watching static camera's for full minutes at a time, only to have either a loud bang or a cat jump at the screen, (yes, a fucking cat...thats how far gone down the plughole we are here, kids). Its all as predictable and boring as hell, and when the demon finally decides to get off his lazy ass and get down to some haunting, nothing has any significance. He levitates a girl from the bed, then sets her back down while she sleeps...why? He floats that fucking knife then drops it in front of the Dad instead of killing him...why? He plays (Kinect?), with the creepy children instead of doing fulfilling his mission of claiming Hunters soul....why?

Its all just filler to keep us watching as we crawl on bloodied knees, painfully and agonsingly towards the conclusion, which is no conclusion at all. Any questions that may have arisen from previous films are either swept aside or outright ignored in favour of massive plot-holes. The poster for this fucker claimed, 'All the activity has led to this..' Led to what?! Nothing fucking happens!

Its not until the last five minutes that we get anything worth chewing on, and just as it starts to look like this may be going somewhere, it ends. No conclusion, no thrills. Maybe sixty seconds of strange unexplained shit thats supposed to make up for the 88 minutes of nothing we've just been subjected to. Thanks for that.

The film does try to spice things up with the introduction of Xbox Kinect, (I shit you not). We come to learn the admittedly cool fact that if you look at Kinect through night vision, you can see the thousands of laser markers/motion detectors, (or whatever), that pick up the movement of the person playing. Of course, this is gonna be used to show us the demon right. Could be very cool, (at least its something new), but what we get instead of a horrifying outline of some unthinkable devil, is countless shots of a room covered in laser-dots, and finally, inexplicably, what appears to be the ghost of a child.

Hold on, arent we supposed to be dealing with a cloven-hooved demon here? Is our demon pal now in child form? Can he shapeshift? I guess so, but no ones fucking clue-ing me in, so I'll just assume this is thoughtless bullshit, shall I? Also, why is the Kinect left on for two weeks straight without someone, a parent perhaps, yelling at the kids to stop wasting fucking electricity. We're in economic freefall here, children...turn your goddam console off already!

Lets not forget, while all this dumb shit is going down, our intrepid leads are filming and recording EVERYTHING via a collection of laptops, yet after the first two nights, they NEVER go back to examine the footage. Had they done so, they would have found ghost boys, floating knives, moving chairs, asshole cats, and oh yeah, ONE OF THEM LEVITATING IN THEIR SLEEP! Might have been a good idea to actually look at the footage you filmed, you MTV-zombified clowns! Sherlock Holmes these kids are not.

In PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, plot-hole and narrative inconstistancy reign supreme. Without giving a great deal way, there are some plot twists concerning the two young boys that make no sense at all in the grand scheme of things

In all honesty, those two teens who take centre stage are the only halfway decent thing in this damn film. They have nothing to work with, yet somehow they remain likable, (despite their Bush-level idiocy). The boy in particular is pretty funny. Amazingly though, I didn't go to see this to get in on some teen hijinks. I came to see a demon kicking balls. I came to piece together the mystery that the previous films set up so well. I came to be scared.

And thats the crucial failing of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4....its just not scary. More than that, its downright boring, and very difficult to sit through, even at 88 minutes. It may seem a little harsh of a tad too nitpicky to tear a film apart in this manner, but you know what....people are paying to see this dreck, and they deserve better. The pre-teens who think this is what horror is all about need to be enlightened, and garbage like this only hinders the cause. And all to make some easy money.

This is as souless and as miserable as any horror film I've come across in recent memory. It lacks any spark of intrigue, originality or intellect, and it may well have killed a much-loved franchise that, (while I believe should have ended at three), could have pushed the boat out in fun new ways as current technology advances. There is no narrative drive, no momentum, nothing to hold onto or empathise with, no build-up, no answers to the pertinent questions, and absolutly none of the magic or imagination that elevated the previous three films to 'Halloween Tradition' status.

For many horror fans, watching PA4 is no less soul-raping than the trauma a Star Wars fan felt when they first witnessed the prequel trilogy. This is a monumental fuck-up and a huge step back for mainstream genre cinema. And you know what, I have a cat at home, and when the little furry bastard jumps on my laptop, I don't find it in any way entertaining. In fact, it pissed me off. Now WHY would I wanna pay for it?!

Fuck this movie.

1 Xbox Product-Placement out of 10

Review : V-H-S (2012)

 

Directors:

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, David Bruckner, 

Writers:

Glenn McQuaid, David Bruckner, 

Stars:

Calvin Reeder, Lane Hughes and Adam Wingard

Now here's a fresh idea...

Get together some well known names in independent cinema/horror cinema together and set em to work on a horror anthology. Not just any horror anthology, but a found footage horror anthology. How bout them apples?

This premise has understandably got a lot of horror fans excited. Its trying something new, and the wealth of talent on display has to point to good things abounding. Not to mention VHS is getting great reviews from tit to top-hat, as all and sundry praise it as a 'gem', and one of the years best. I wasn't buying the hype then, and I'm not buying it now.

I'm in the minority, but I often feel that anthologies don't quite work as a whole, (other than the mighty TRICK 'R' TREAT and CREEPSHOW). While they can be fun, they feel more like fast food than a hearty meal, and almost always lack depth, character and balance. Not to mention your practically gaurenteed at least one weak-sauce short story in there. Its a given. So, you can see why my excitement levels were running pretty low for this one.

Still, I was curious to see how they'd use the found footage format in an anthology, and I'm always willing to watch anything by Ti West at least once. I just wasnt as fired up as so many seemed/seem to be. And its a good thing I wasnt, because despite having some very strong moments, VHS, as a whole, is a bit of a mess.

We get six stories in all, one of which is a wraparound tale, all filmed using a variety of handheld techniques, and all lasting around the twenty minute mark. One of the stories is great, two are average, one is a huge fucking mess, one is nonsensical and one is as forgettable as date rape. I won't keep you guessing as to which is which, though I will leave you guessing who directed what, (as its sorta fun to guess while watching). Heres a quick rundown of the stories....

Story 1 - The wraparound story deals with a gang of hired thugs who are payed to break into an old house and steal a VHS tape. When they arrive they find an elderly dead guy and a whole library of videos, which they begin watching, and which make up for the rest of the tales. Theres some strong atmosphere in this one, but it goes absolutly nowhere and its characters are as unlikable as they come. Its instantly fogettable, and garners no suspense whatsoever.

Story 2 - The first of the separate tales follows yet another group of reprehensible ass-clowns who drink and drive, and treat women like meat, until they meet a strange girl who turns the tables. This one boasts some beautiful shots of the naked female form, some great tension and a really creepy performance from the lead actress. Its worthwhile and ranks second from the top.

Story 3 - A slow-burn tale of a young couple on their honeymoon, who recieve a knock on their motel door one night from a sinister girl looking for a ride. This one builds tension well, and has some solid acting from the leads. The slow pace leads to a very bloody payoff, but it lacks satisfaction and is perhaps too abrupt to really register. Altogether a decent tale.

Story 4 - A bunch of asshole kids head out to a lake where they are picked off one by one by blah blah blah. This on is the real rotten apple in the basket. It boasts a very cool slasher called 'The Glitch' who can't be filmed, but it does nothing with the concept, and the actors are uniformly atrocious, as is the script.

Story 5 - Told via Skype webcams, this tale deals with a girl who believes her home to be haunted, and asks her boyfriend to watch from his laptop to try and capture the mysterious entity on film. This one starts really strong, with its original use of laptop webcams as its visual medium, and some genuinly suspensful searches through the gals dimply lit house. It also has some nasty gore to chew on, but the whole thing falls apart when the twist arrives. Frankly, it made no sense whatsoever.

Story 6 - Its Halloween night, and four young guys have been invited to a fancy dress party. When they arrive, the find that there is no party and that some sort of apparently satanic ritual is going on. Now this is how you pull off a short story. This one has a great premise, very likable and noble characters, some brilliantly spooky special effects and a wince inducing final shot in the back of a car. After such a mixed, average bunch of tales, this one ends VHS on a high. Its great.

So there you have it...a very mixed bunch. The lack of narrative connection really does hurt the tales, (though there seems to be a half-formed thesis on the male condition in here), and the film feels rushed and only partially thought through. That said, it has some fun segments, and one truly excellent finale, and its creators all deserve our respect and support. Its just that this particular experiment, while no doubt made with love, is something of a failed one. When it shines, it really shines, but sadly, it does so all too rarely.

Check it out, but keep your expectations low.

5 Cat-women out of 10

Book Review : The Bighead by Edward Lee

Jesus, where to begin with a novel like THE BIGHEAD....

Anyone who's dabbled in the fetid, murky waters of author, 'Edward Lee' will generally know what to expect with this one.The man is not celebrated for his sense of restraint. In fact, of all the modern generation of underground horror writers, Lee is perhaps the most notorious. His deeply alarming imagination and total lack of respect for literary censorship has seen him produce some of the most disgusting and morally reprehensible works of all time; the sort of shit that would give Marquis De Sade a case of the flaccid Williams.

A brief history for the uninitiated...

Lee could be considered part of the second wave of horror that began in earnest with the late, great Richard Laymon and his pals. A form of literary horror that came to be termed, 'Splatterpunk'. In this most infamous of genres, nothing is left to the imagination. Theres an unspoken contract between writer and reader that the work will most probably be upsetting, will definitely be violent in content and graphic in the extreme, and on rare occasions, may leave you questioning your worth as a human being. You may come to regard yourself as something of a pervert for enjoying this stuff.

Without stroking my own chain, I must state that I have read a huge number of the books that have grown from this artistic ideal. Laymon, Keene, Ketchum, Smith, Little and many more have reshaped the way I think of horror fiction. Stephen King and the like seem like kids stuff these days. Literally. Their work feels like a rights of passage before you get to the really fun stuff. I love King, Koontz and chums, but I prefer a harder kind of horror.

Edward Lee is as hard as it gets. He's a man gifted with a rare sense of the grotesque, yet one bolstered by a vision that is often grandiose and epic in scope. In CITY INFERNAL and its sequels, he envisioned hell as a city; too vast to truly comprehend and filled with terrors and tortures that make the christian hell look like Disneyland. Also of note, he's a man with an undying love for the works of H.P.Lovecraft, and like many of his peers, he often dives headfirst into the mythos created by the great man, while taking it further...much, much further. These are fine tools to have in your armory if your heading out into the world as a horror author. Lee sits at the top of the pile.

I've read a great deal of his work, and going into THE BIGHEAD I thought I knew what to expect. But with this charming little tome, the man goes above and beyond anything I've ever come across in the genre, by far. THE BIGHEAD is the single most demented, disgusting and unforgivable piece of exploitation fiction to ever break free unrestrained from the human psyche. Suffice to say, I loved it.

It's the only novel I can recall with which I've stated to myself, that,  'I ain't reading one more page of this sickening filth!', only to throw the book down, stare at it in disgust for a few minutes, then pick the fucker back up and start reading again. When a piece of art can disgust and attract me simultaneously to its dark dementia, I have to hold it in respect.

I wont give away any of the countless scenes of unthinkable perversions in this book, but I will say that it is guaranteed to shock even the most hardened reader. Its balls are huge, the attention to detail is sick-bag-on-standby stuff, and the relentlessness of the darkness that pervades the tale is exhausting, but its just so damn well written that you cant let it go.

Herein ye shall find a giant mutated hillbilly/monster, (who's sexual and culinary habits are unspeakable even in this here Hotel), a pair of demonic Nun's sent from the pits of hell to habitually torture and rape, a helpless priest in the most vile ways ever written, a sex-addict who can't get enough junk in her trunk, two moonshine trading serial killers who know no limits, a self mutilator who goes to ridiculous extremes, and behind and surrounding it all, a dark, demonic mystery as to who the 'Bighead' is, and  how this disparate group of fuck-ups, psycho's and devils all relate. Its sheer brilliance.

The gore, of course, is often almost unbearable, and takes up a huge chunk of the narrative, but its all for a purpose which will not become clear lest the reader mans up and trudges along till the climax. Hell, Its not like the journey ain't fun. Its so sick and twisted that its often laugh out loud. Hopefully, your not taking this stuff too seriously. The explicit violence is smartly balanced with a sly, degenerate wit that manages to make the whole thing not only bearable, but hugely enjoyable. There are so many twists and turns here, in what seems to be a simple tale, that your left in no doubt by the novels heartless, darkly humorous finale, that what you just suffered through was a work of unmitigated genius. Were this nothing other than extreme gore and violence, it would simply lay claim to the most disgusting horror book ever written. A sort of 'Snuff Novel', if you will. But with Lee's precision storytelling, a deeply involving mystery, and some fascinating and perfectly realized characters, the whole thing becomes nothing less than a classic of its time.

Most wont be able to handle Edward Lee's THE BIGHEAD. Its his most repulsive work, after all, and that's no small feat considering the mans other tales. Though in many ways, its his most accomplished work also, and boasts his most memorable characters, and scenes, (oh, how I wish those scenes were less fucking memorable).

Those of you who take up the gauntlet and manage to read the damn thing will most likely feel ashamed of yourselves for doing so. Questions will arise in your soul as to what the fuck you were thinking. You may have to make some form of atonement for enjoying such a perverted work of the devil. You may pray for salvation for your rotten eternal spirit.

But when all is said and done, and you somehow convince yourself once again that your a good and moral person, the chances are you'll find yourself looking up at your bookshelf, seeing that damn disgusting book sat atop your pile, and without knowing, a smile will bloom on your face. You made it out in one piece.

Perhaps you'll make it out just fine the second time, too...

10 CRACKHEAD BLOWJOBS out of 10

Review : Dark Shadows (2012)

Director:

Tim Burton

Writers:

Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay), John August (story), and 2 more credits �

Stars:

Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green

An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection. 

First of all...what the hell is it with Tim Burton and remakes?

The man used to knock out some interesting and original films. Sure, he's always had a problem from a storytelling point of view, but from a aesthetic standpoint, his films were the very definition of quirky. The stamp of his artistry was all over them, top to toe, and even when they fell flat in the plot department, the visual flair and the dedication to 'the weird' made them must see movies.

Compare EDWARD SCISSORHANDS to CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY...there is no comparison. One is a unique and heartfelt take on isolation, filtered through a fairytale gothicism that's damned near irresistible, and the other is an overblown, rehash of a stone cold classic, which replaces the magic of its central character with a creepy as hell, Micheal Jackson mutation that's more likely to strike soul freezing terror into children than entrance them. Its like the man got so far in his career and decided, 'you know what, I'm tired of standing for something. I think I'll just remake/re-imagine every damn thing that comes my way'...

PLANET OF THE APES...sweet zombie Jesus, does anyone know what was going on there? How about ALICE IN WONDERLAND, a visually stunning film that was as empty and and directionless and a reality TV 'personality'. What the hell happened to real artistry?

The same can be said for Burton's muse, one Mr Johnny Depp. Here's and actor who can disappear inside almost any role, and he seems to have eschewed painting real characters for these over-egged caricatures. Seems like Burton and Depp have some sort of symbiosis going on, and their outsider vibes match well, but give it a damn rest already. Work with other people. Express yourselves in new ways. Your artists for gods sake, try and act the part.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate a lot of what these guys have done, but it seems they've been having a good old circle jerk for the past ten years. Both need to split the hell up and go home to their wives. Have a look at their peers and what they're doing, and forgot about all this emo shit that no one over sixteen gives a hot damn about.

Rant over...

Now, onto DARK SHADOWS, yet another remake for the Burton/Depp show. This time based on a very much overlooked yet wonderful TV show from the dim and distant past. The show was sombre, serious and pitch black, so one could only wonder in fear and trepidation what Burton would come up with from such respected source material. Me...I was none too enthusiastic, to say the least. With all things Burton though, I had to take a look. After all, he grew up on Hammer Horror and is a huge Vincent Price fan...in many ways, we're kin.

Burton's film is about as far removed from the source material as you can travel, and is essentially only DARK SHADOWS, as we knew it, in subject matter and name. The tone, the characters, the atmosphere and the depth that made the show such a winner are all replaced by a comic, fish-out-of-water special effects showcase that goes for laughs and visual wonder over any meaningful storytelling. This is not the DARK SHADOWS so many grew up with and love dearly, (including Depp and Burton, I believe). At all. And its in this distancing from the original material that it somehow manages to charm and entertain...

Much like the recent remake of FRIGHT NIGHT, this is a film that can easily be viewed on its own terms. Its no more an adaptation of the source than those godawful TWILIGHT movies are an adaptation of NOSFERATU. This is Burton grooving to his own thing, flaws and all, and somehow it doesn't drive you to madness. At least not in my case.

Like that other vampire remake I mentioned, I quickly came to regard this as bding an original work that shared a name with something special that came before, and in viewing the film through that prism, it becomes something of a charmer. It has little plot, zero character depth and none of the depth and gravitas that came before, and yet I found myself not caring. I got on board with the zany, freewheeling vibe and found myself enjoying the ride.

DARK SHADOWS is, essentially, plot-wise at least, a variation on CROCODILE DUNDEE and its ilk. Depp's bloodsucking lead is the foil for all the jokes, many of which land squarely, as his character Barnabus wakes up outside his own time and has to try and fit in. He's really rather good in the role. Its obvious the guys enjoying himself, and while his usual gurning, taken aback shtick is present and correct, it doesn't hurt the character here. In fact, this is the only character Depp has played in years that I've been able to enjoy on any level. Its still a surface-only performance, but its a whole lot of fun. His Lugosi style mannerisms are spot-on, and his higher-than-though bravado garners a lot of laughs. You find yourself rooting for the guy. Something I never again expected from Depp.

He's backed up by an absolutely stellar cast including Michelle Pfieffer, and the stunning Eva Green, of CASINO ROYALE fame. Not to mention Chloe Moretz, hot off playing yet another vampire in the quite excellent remake of LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, Jackie Earl Haley of WATCHMEN infamy, Burtons wife Helena Bonham Carter, TRAINSPOTTING'S Jonny Lee Miller, and best of the bunch, the mighty Christopher Lee in a fleeting yet fun cameo.

The script, sadly, doesn't allow for any character development, but every single cast member is game, and all are hugely entertaining in their roles. Wise to Burton's tone, they all play it camp, (none more than Depp), and manage to win over the audience through sheer force of frivolity. I'd happily spend more time with this fucked up family in future films. 

The other strong point of the film is, unsurprisingly, the visuals. DARK SHADOWS looks utterly beautiful from frame one. Its Burton's finest vision since his love letter to Hammer, SLEEPY HOLLOW, and for horror fans, the film is an delight for the eyes and the imagination. Repeated viewings are a prerequisite to really soak up the vast Gothic canvas Burton is working with here. He blends old world romanticism with 60's pop psychedelia to create an aural palette that is completely enchanting. Other than PROMETHEUS and THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, this is the perhaps the best looking film of the year.

DARK SHADOWS may have nothing to say, and go to very few places in terms of storytelling, but its a beautiful, often funny, and lighthearted ride into Burton's skewed worldview. In short, it works. Its NOT the show its based on, and if you go in expecting a respectful reworking, your done for. Go in looking for a dark comedy with some great performances and a spellbinding visual flair, however, and your gonna have some good times. Forget about it's occasionally uneven tone and its total lack of meaning, and its one dimensional character's, and just have fun.

Seems that by removing himself from the source material, Burton has rediscovered what made his name in the first place. This is his best film since BIG FISH, and if he holds onto his re-found mojo in the future, he may be able to reclaim his throne as the king of quirkiness and leave behind him the pseudo-emo reputation he's unwittingly taken on these last few years. Good luck to him. Oh, and as for Johnny Depp, the boy done good. Here's to hoping he goes onto take on some meatier roles that challenge him as an artist.

Go in with an open mind, and forget that its supposed to be a remake of the classic show, and you may just enjoy yourself. The original still stands untouched, and perhaps this will draw a younger generation to its wonders. That cant be all bad, can it?

7.5 SUPER-HOT WITCHES OUT OF 10

Review : Silent House (2011)

Directors:

Chris Kentis, Laura Lau

Writers:

Gustavo Hern�ndez (film "La casa muda"), Laura Lau (screenplay)

Stars:

Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese and Eric Sheffer Stevens
 
Trapped inside her family's lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house

I never caught the original SILENT HOUSE, and in truth, I had no real desire to catch this American remake. For one thing, a remake so soon after the original always feels like an insult to audiences intelligence to me, (yes, we can read subtitles; just release the original work), and as the films whole 'hype', if you will, was based around the fact that it is filmed, or at least appears to be filmed, in one continuous take. In short, its a gimmick, and to be quite frank, i couldn't give a good fuck about gimmickry, in any form, (unless William Castle is behind it). I'm interested in story, plot development, atmosphere and character. Without those things all fitted in place, bravado camerawork and directorial flourish really doesn't appeal to me. The story is God, if you will. SILENT HOUSE, in concept, sounds, (and is), pretty familiar ground. At its core, its essentially a home invasion movie, with an undercurrent on supernatural mystery to sweeten the taste. I dig these films, but they have to bring something fresh to the table. MOTHERS DAY, INSIDE, IL'S/THEM......now those are home invasion movies.

In truth, the 'one-shot-movie' thing feels like a chore to me. There are some masterful works out there that use the technique, and it goes without saying that Hitchcock's ROPE is a masterclass in the form, but lets be honest, there are very few Hitchcock's in this old world, and if one were to spring up, would he really be directing a remake of a recent film? Add to this the fact that these films are rarely completed in one shot, and the initial attraction is sedated even moreso. There are many editing tricks that can pull the wool over the audiences eyes, (HALLOWEEN'S celebrated extended opening shot from Myers' perspective is, in fact, three separate shots cleverly edited, and ROPE has few too, believe it or not). That said, the shots in these films are significantly long ones, and are very impressive, just not impressive enough to trump story, as is the case here. So, SILENT HOUSE remained on my 'who gives a rats ass' list since its original inception.

So, fuck the gimmickry. What works?

The one thing that changed my mind on all the above and actually got my ass in the seat for this one,  was my viewing of another film starring this films lead, Elizabeth Olsen, called MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE. Her performance in that film was so strong, so layered and so dynamic that I was willing to overlook any trepidation and dive on in. It doesn't hurt that shes incredibly sexy either.

Of course, the central performance is as on-point as anyone who's seen Olsen's previous work would expect. Shes fantastic, (even given the sparsity of her character on script), and portrays terror more effectively than almost anyone I can think of besides that gal from THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, or Nicole Kidman. Much like Nicole Kidman elevated the material in THE OTHERS, so Olsen takes a run-of-the-mill horror formula and injects it with real heart and authenticity. She saves the movie, and makes it a worthwhile watch if only to witness a star on the rise.

The film has a truckload of atmosphere too. Its genuinely creepy in its first two acts, and Directors, Chris Kentis and Laura Lau, make great use of his very limited, (though self imposed), box of tricks by using shadow and setting to maximum advantage. There are also some clever and effective nods to classics of old, including THE HAUNTING, (no, not the one with that guy from TAKEN). The set, (and setting) is suitably 'Gothic Americana', and the ever present gloom does bring on the chills. Sadly, the dynamic duo are saddled with a script and a story that both lack inspiration, and it all falls apart about midway through.

Somewhere around the mid-mark, SILENT HOUSE starts to veer into some disastrously familiar territory, and it becomes real obvious that this spook-house has a few twists up its sleeve. The problem is, the twists will be instantly seen through by anyone with a working knowledge of horror, and once the true nature of the plot sinks in, the scares, atmosphere and dread that the film has so well established are usurped by the audiences sense of tried recognition. You'll see this one coming a mile off, and it hurts the film greatly. personally, I had a handle of how events would most likely turn out from the opening scenes, simply through paying attention to character behaviour. I had hoped it wouldn't go down the path it, and I did get caught up in the tense atmosphere for a while, but really, theres nothing new here.

SILENT HOUSE is a film that absolutely walks the line in terms of quality. It boasts some impressive technical work, a brilliant lead performance, and some pretty unsettling scares early on, but it's balls drop off in the latter stages and it becomes little more that a familiar trip down Hollywood lane. Perhaps the original is sharper, though the plot was old long before the Uraguayan version, so I'm not holding out.

Hearty goodness and tiresome nonsense in equal measure. Its gotta be a.....

5 CREEPY FUCKING UNCLES out of 10

(Authors note : You wanna see a really excellent film with a purdy gal trapped in a big, boarded up house and running for her sweet life? Watch BURNING BRIGHT. It has a tiger....)

Horror Hotel Cinema : The Maze (1953)

A slice of homegrown horror for you tonight...

Well, not quite, though this quaint and atmospheric little chiller is set in the remote Scottish Highlands, I'm purdy sure it wasn't filmed there. This is studio bound as they come, folks. And you all know what that means.....fog, great lighting, picturesque as hell, and Gothic as all get out. Good times, old chaps!

The plot revolves around a dashing Scotsman, played by the ever excellent Richard Carlson, (THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE), who is heir to a spooky Scottish castle, and breaks off his engagement to some hot 50's dame to return to the family estate after learning his uncle has went to the big caber-tossing competition in the sky. Said ladyfriend doesn;t hear from the fella in weeks, and decides to go investigate the situation for herself. Soon, she's up to her flapjacks in misty mountains, crumbling castles, aging actors and macabre mazes. And you, the audience, are in for a fun, old-timey ride.

Admittedly, its a little slow to get going, but Carlson holds the interest with a fine performance, and when the action does shift to my bonnie home-world, things pick up pretty quickly. Its a spooky, atmospheric work, and it has a very entertaining and worthwhile finale. And yes, that means its ridiculous and features a cheap, rubber beastie!

So, stop reading, and start viewing.

And stay the fuck away from Haggis....

Review : Nailbiter (2012)

 

Director:

Patrick Rea

Writers:

Patrick Rea, Kendal Sinn

Stars:

Joicie Appell, Emily Boresow and Jason Coffman

I first heard NAILBITER being described as being very much like an early X-Files episode. You know, one of those 'monster of the week' numbers that many of us enjoyed so much back in the day. And while its true that it is reminiscent of one of those ideas, NAILBITER, sadly, the comparison only runs as far as its idea's.

It begins promisingly enough, with a slightly dysfunctional family, (one mother, three daughters), being caught up in the eye of a tornado and having to take refuge in the basement of a seemingly abandoned house out in the countryside. Once the storm passes, the family find that they are not alone, and are being held against their will in the basement by someone/something unknown.

Its a creepy and original premise, and its early scenes manage to build a certain degree of suspense, but the pace of the film and its below-par performances pull it down before it ever gets a chance to soar. The cardinal rule of creating suspense for a 80/90 minute movie when using one location for extended periods of time, is character. Unfortunately, that's where NAILBITER stumbles over the first hurdle. Its hard to muster any sympathy for any of the girls in peril, as the mother is weak and indecisive, the two younger girls are non-entities, and the oldest daughter is, frankly, annoying as hell. Its a chore to spend time with these people.

There are ways around such flaws, of course. If your audience is not on the side of the protagonists, you'd better have a damn strong antagonist to balance the scales, not to mention some serious carnage to keep the viewer interested in any way you can. This is where the production hits its second wall head-on. We don't get any feel for the threat until way too far into the film, and when we do, its very underwhelming. Budgetary limitations bear some of the weight for this, but its mainly a weak, unfocused script that finishes off whatever goodwill the films early scenes muster. The lack of gore or action is daunting, but when the villain/villains are as poorly drawn as they are here, the project stands little chance of impressing. The originality of the villains, (somewhere between THE TWILIGHT ZONE and H.P.Lovecraft), in concept is blindsided by the scripts refusal to invite us into their world in any insightful way.

Its a shame, as the central idea is a good one, and could have played on family bonds, loyalties, internal conflicts and all that good stuff that screams to be brought to the fore; but the story, (and the characters) go nowhere meaningful. The whole thing feels empty. The script lacks the cohesion of plot or depth of character to keep the audience emotionally or intellectually engaged.

I hate to come to this conclusion, but I can't really recommend NAILBITER. Its ambitions and its heart are all in the right place, but it feels half-formed at the pre-production stages. A little more human insight and a little more chaos would have went a long way. Lets hope next time, director/writer Patrick Rea can take what did work here, and build on it. The creativity and the ambition are there, if not yet the ability. Were this some run-of-the-mill horror, I wouldn't mind its flaws so much, but it could have been so much more, and the missed potential does sting. That said, there's enough here to have me interested in what Rea comes up with next. Time and experience can be powerful allies.

4 Cellar-Dwellers out of 10