Review : The Conjuring (2013)

Well hello again! 

The Horror Hotel is re-open for business. 

The perils of a new job, a new lifestyle, and taking a kicking from an 'as-yet-unspecified' illness, have led me to distance myself from the world of horror for a spell. I've been reading horror literature like a beast, (take a bow, Bryan Smith),  but I haven't really been grooving on the genres cinematic output. Too much going on, as it were. A mind unsettled makes for a poor companion in the cinema stalls...

That all changed when, out of the blue, I learned about a new horror film; (a ghost story to be precise), centered around the famous paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, (they of Amityville notoriety). A movie based on what they personally felt was their most disturbing case, and one kept under wraps until very recently, (and I won't divulge any details here). How could I resist? I love a good paranormal tale, even though by daylight I'm as skeptical and logical about such matters as can be; there's just something inherently terrifying on a primal level about a well-told spook story that never fails to freeze me blood and cut my imagination loose. As a rule, I always watch ghost stories alone, in the dark, with the shadows creeping around my shoulders for maximum effect as, (and all you horror aficionados will agree, I'm sure), it gets very hard to find effectively scary material out there. The more you watch and are exposed to; the less you tend to morph into a squealing little bitch.


So what was it that inspired me to drag my feeble carcass from the ailment-bound comfort of my cavern and make the quest to my local theater to watch a film of the type that I swore I'd only watch under my own controlled circumstances? James Wan, that's what.

If ever the horror genre had a director who embodied the definition of underrated, its Wan. His first film, SAW was a huge success, and in some ways its commercial viability, (and its unending cycle of sequels), diluted the sheer display of passion and talent that Wan brought to the gory proceedings. I'm not a torture porn fan, however, and it was his second horror film, DEAD SILENCE, that sealed the deal for me, and in my mind, shone a light on this most bright and brilliant of horror masters. DEAD SILENCE received mixed reviews, but for me, it was one of the scariest and most authentically nightmarish film I'd witnessed since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. It spoke to the scared kid inside me, who still believes in the monster under the bed, the threatening whispers on the wind, and the utter fucking soulless evil that dwells in each and every doll on earth, especially ventriloquists dolls! What really baked my noodles though, was the films look...it felt like a love letter to the classic Hammer Horror films that haunted my youth, and was as visually beautiful as any film in recent memory. It felt at once both retro and contemporary. Minimal gore, maximum atmosphere and visual flair. I loved it.

Wans next proper horror film was the far-better-received INSIDIOUS, a film of two halves in many ways, which scared me so badly I almost never got through the damn thing. Its uneven, yes, but it showcased a director reaching the peak of his ability, and one with a precise grasp on what truly scares us. You can read my review of the film here...

So with total faith in the mans ability, I decided to lob my own rule-book into the fire and go see a ghost story with an audience. On the big screen. In the daytime. With my partner.

I'm suitably ashamed of myself, but I'm glad I made the effort. Wan has went yet another step further in cementing his place as a modern horror master.

As THE CONJURING opens, it becomes immediately clear that this work is a bedfellow of INSIDIOUS...the music, the drum-tight tension and the claustrophobic atmosphere are all present and correct. Some may find it to be a little too close in style and content to the film that precedes it, but there's a whole lot more going on here than an artist simply repeating past glories. This is a film made by an artist who understands the genre in the same way John Carpenter and Dario Argento once did; as a breeding ground for nightmares, in which all the tricks in the box can and should be used to bring the audience right to the brink of total fear, then push them straight over the edge.

The films setting, that of the halcyon days of the 1970's, not only serves to ground the story in a sort of culture-born supernatural-tale authenticity, but lends Wan and his supremely talented crew the opportunity to build, from the ground up, a film that feels in every way, like its been lost for decades in some dusty attic somewhere, and has been discovered, dusted off and mined for all its worth. This is as close to watching a horror film onscreen in the seventies as my generation is gonna get, and its glorious. In much the same way that Ti Wests HOUSE OF THE DEVIL transcended its 80's inspired feel and actually seemed to embody the era it emulated, THE CONJURING is as damn near time-travel as your gonna get in this CG infested shit-storm we call 2013. The soft browns and yellows of its subdued color pallet, the wide shots, the zoom ins, the costume design, the music and the performances all feel like they were ripped out of time.

Anyone who remembers being a kid and watching THE AMITYVILLE HORROR on television in the early 80's, and has fond, frightening memories of doing so, is probably going to love this thing. Its among the most visually appealing films I've seen in recent years, of any variety.

I know, I know..."Nobody gives a fuck what you think of its artistry, you cineaste loser! IS IT SCARY?!?!", I hear you cry.

Yep. Its pretty fucking scary.

There's very little you won't have seen before. After all, ghost stories often tread the same or similar paths, and its been this way since the sub-genres inception, but the scares are brought forth with such skill, and the tension is honed with such precision that what at first seems like a run-of-the-mill, (albeit beautiful) ghost story, very slowly creeps up on you unawares until, before you even realize it, has you firmly freaked out and at the mercy of its ever-building sense of evil-chaos. Wan has taken all his previous experience and honed it, reshaped it, and given it a new, more subtle edge that could well see THE CONJURING becoming every bit as beloved as INSIDIOUS, perhaps even more so. Like father, like son...

Is it as scary as INSIDIOUS? I'm not in a position to answer that yet, sadly. I saw Wans last work under my own set of rules and it ruined me. THE CONJURING didn't quite have the same effect, but it never could have, being that I saw it under circumstances far removed from my usual self-imposed 'fear-zone'. I was properly frightened though, and would dare to say that when I catch it again, at home as the autumn leaves fall...then yes, it'll probably be more than the equal of INSIDIOUS. Its more relate-able, for one thing. Better directed for another, and most importantly, it feels like this could very well happen to your family. And that's a trait that the second half of INSIDIOUS arguably jettisoned in favor of astral surrealism and night-terror imagery.

Under the correct circumstances, THE CONJURING could well rank among the scariest film I've ever seen; right alongside SUSPIRIA, BLACK CHRISTMAS, EL ORFANTO, THE CHANGELING and yes, good old DEAD SILENCE and INSIDIOUS, ( we never speak of ARACHNOPHOBIA...never!). Time will tell, but the films basis in reality, (or at least the supposition of reality), and its initially subtle sense of dread that builds to outright demonic fuckery, should be enough to scare most of the populace out of a few nights sleep at the very least.

I must note once more that Wans direction is bolstered by an absolutely outstanding cast and crew. Everyone treats this shit like its 'The Last Great Horror movie'...

It's got a brilliant cast, headed up by the ever-sexy Mrs Bates, playing Lorraine Warren, and the probably equally ever-sexy Night Owl as her old man, Ed. Both actors put in fantastic performances, and are supported by a very impressive host of secondary characters; not least the kids. Yep, this fucker features not one, not two but six child actors, all female, and the all knock it out of the park. In one seriously frightening sequence involving little more than a shadow by a door and the performance of one young actress, your guaranteed to pee down your leg a little bit. (Don't be ashamed...your not alone in this.)

The real star, for my money though, was Lili Taylor. Haven't seen her in a long time, and as my last memory of her is linked to her unfortunate appearance in the stunningly horseshit remake of THE HAUNTING, its probably with good reason. Rest assured she's brilliant here. Portraying an ordinary, loving family woman who's slowly torn asunder by the evil infesting her home, she brings a real warmth and heart to the show. I loved her.

Cinematography on the film is spellbinding. Much like Carpenters best moments, (hi there, HALLOWEEN), the camera seems to prowl the house with a sentience all its own. Its at once involving and very disconcerting. A scene featuring a (possible) threat under a bed, has the camera spinning all damn directions, and another see's it roll overhead as a character simply walks down a dread-drenched hallway. The overriding impression is that the camera is watching, very stealthily and with evil intent. Its a trip just rolling with this thing.

The soundtrack, and all the sound design, harkens back to INSIDIOUS and its freakishly satanic scoring. It's even better realized this time, however, with every musical beat mirroring the demonic imagery perfectly, and the sound design is just fucking chilling.

As I stated earlier; Wan knows all the tricks and has found new, clever ways to make them fresh again. it;s all here...the subtle scares, the big scares, the devilish imagery, the music, the atmosphere...this is as good as modern horror cinema gets.

Everyone should see this film; whether your a genre fan or not. It may well be the first horror film since THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS to garner attention come the award season, but all that is just who-gives-a-shit  material. This is just damn fine cinema, and the perfect way to introduce friends and family to just how inventive and entertaining horror can be when in the right hands.I don't know how much of this story is true, and nor do I care. Give me creepy demonology and holy terrors and I'm in.

This is pure horror, and a film that will stay with you long after experiencing it. There's no gore to speak of, no sex and only a sprinkling of violent imagery. No...THE CONJURING received its R/15 ratings simply because its fucking scary.

That's reason enough to see it, right there. Now get going...

10 Hand-claps out of 10

Authors Note : As usual, I avoided all the trailers before seeing THE CONJURING. I've now seen them after viewing the film, and they do give away a great deal of the films scares; certainly within its first 45 minutes. Please, please, please AVOID all trailers for this and other horror cinema. The suits have no respect for the art-form and are more than happy to ruin or depress the experience simply to make a buck. Fuck them. Always go in blind and show the artists the respect their work deserves -Kyle.

Review : V-H-S (2012)

 

Directors:

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, David Bruckner, 

Writers:

Glenn McQuaid, David Bruckner, 

Stars:

Calvin Reeder, Lane Hughes and Adam Wingard

Now here's a fresh idea...

Get together some well known names in independent cinema/horror cinema together and set em to work on a horror anthology. Not just any horror anthology, but a found footage horror anthology. How bout them apples?

This premise has understandably got a lot of horror fans excited. Its trying something new, and the wealth of talent on display has to point to good things abounding. Not to mention VHS is getting great reviews from tit to top-hat, as all and sundry praise it as a 'gem', and one of the years best. I wasn't buying the hype then, and I'm not buying it now.

I'm in the minority, but I often feel that anthologies don't quite work as a whole, (other than the mighty TRICK 'R' TREAT and CREEPSHOW). While they can be fun, they feel more like fast food than a hearty meal, and almost always lack depth, character and balance. Not to mention your practically gaurenteed at least one weak-sauce short story in there. Its a given. So, you can see why my excitement levels were running pretty low for this one.

Still, I was curious to see how they'd use the found footage format in an anthology, and I'm always willing to watch anything by Ti West at least once. I just wasnt as fired up as so many seemed/seem to be. And its a good thing I wasnt, because despite having some very strong moments, VHS, as a whole, is a bit of a mess.

We get six stories in all, one of which is a wraparound tale, all filmed using a variety of handheld techniques, and all lasting around the twenty minute mark. One of the stories is great, two are average, one is a huge fucking mess, one is nonsensical and one is as forgettable as date rape. I won't keep you guessing as to which is which, though I will leave you guessing who directed what, (as its sorta fun to guess while watching). Heres a quick rundown of the stories....

Story 1 - The wraparound story deals with a gang of hired thugs who are payed to break into an old house and steal a VHS tape. When they arrive they find an elderly dead guy and a whole library of videos, which they begin watching, and which make up for the rest of the tales. Theres some strong atmosphere in this one, but it goes absolutly nowhere and its characters are as unlikable as they come. Its instantly fogettable, and garners no suspense whatsoever.

Story 2 - The first of the separate tales follows yet another group of reprehensible ass-clowns who drink and drive, and treat women like meat, until they meet a strange girl who turns the tables. This one boasts some beautiful shots of the naked female form, some great tension and a really creepy performance from the lead actress. Its worthwhile and ranks second from the top.

Story 3 - A slow-burn tale of a young couple on their honeymoon, who recieve a knock on their motel door one night from a sinister girl looking for a ride. This one builds tension well, and has some solid acting from the leads. The slow pace leads to a very bloody payoff, but it lacks satisfaction and is perhaps too abrupt to really register. Altogether a decent tale.

Story 4 - A bunch of asshole kids head out to a lake where they are picked off one by one by blah blah blah. This on is the real rotten apple in the basket. It boasts a very cool slasher called 'The Glitch' who can't be filmed, but it does nothing with the concept, and the actors are uniformly atrocious, as is the script.

Story 5 - Told via Skype webcams, this tale deals with a girl who believes her home to be haunted, and asks her boyfriend to watch from his laptop to try and capture the mysterious entity on film. This one starts really strong, with its original use of laptop webcams as its visual medium, and some genuinly suspensful searches through the gals dimply lit house. It also has some nasty gore to chew on, but the whole thing falls apart when the twist arrives. Frankly, it made no sense whatsoever.

Story 6 - Its Halloween night, and four young guys have been invited to a fancy dress party. When they arrive, the find that there is no party and that some sort of apparently satanic ritual is going on. Now this is how you pull off a short story. This one has a great premise, very likable and noble characters, some brilliantly spooky special effects and a wince inducing final shot in the back of a car. After such a mixed, average bunch of tales, this one ends VHS on a high. Its great.

So there you have it...a very mixed bunch. The lack of narrative connection really does hurt the tales, (though there seems to be a half-formed thesis on the male condition in here), and the film feels rushed and only partially thought through. That said, it has some fun segments, and one truly excellent finale, and its creators all deserve our respect and support. Its just that this particular experiment, while no doubt made with love, is something of a failed one. When it shines, it really shines, but sadly, it does so all too rarely.

Check it out, but keep your expectations low.

5 Cat-women out of 10

Book Review : The Bighead by Edward Lee

Jesus, where to begin with a novel like THE BIGHEAD....

Anyone who's dabbled in the fetid, murky waters of author, 'Edward Lee' will generally know what to expect with this one.The man is not celebrated for his sense of restraint. In fact, of all the modern generation of underground horror writers, Lee is perhaps the most notorious. His deeply alarming imagination and total lack of respect for literary censorship has seen him produce some of the most disgusting and morally reprehensible works of all time; the sort of shit that would give Marquis De Sade a case of the flaccid Williams.

A brief history for the uninitiated...

Lee could be considered part of the second wave of horror that began in earnest with the late, great Richard Laymon and his pals. A form of literary horror that came to be termed, 'Splatterpunk'. In this most infamous of genres, nothing is left to the imagination. Theres an unspoken contract between writer and reader that the work will most probably be upsetting, will definitely be violent in content and graphic in the extreme, and on rare occasions, may leave you questioning your worth as a human being. You may come to regard yourself as something of a pervert for enjoying this stuff.

Without stroking my own chain, I must state that I have read a huge number of the books that have grown from this artistic ideal. Laymon, Keene, Ketchum, Smith, Little and many more have reshaped the way I think of horror fiction. Stephen King and the like seem like kids stuff these days. Literally. Their work feels like a rights of passage before you get to the really fun stuff. I love King, Koontz and chums, but I prefer a harder kind of horror.

Edward Lee is as hard as it gets. He's a man gifted with a rare sense of the grotesque, yet one bolstered by a vision that is often grandiose and epic in scope. In CITY INFERNAL and its sequels, he envisioned hell as a city; too vast to truly comprehend and filled with terrors and tortures that make the christian hell look like Disneyland. Also of note, he's a man with an undying love for the works of H.P.Lovecraft, and like many of his peers, he often dives headfirst into the mythos created by the great man, while taking it further...much, much further. These are fine tools to have in your armory if your heading out into the world as a horror author. Lee sits at the top of the pile.

I've read a great deal of his work, and going into THE BIGHEAD I thought I knew what to expect. But with this charming little tome, the man goes above and beyond anything I've ever come across in the genre, by far. THE BIGHEAD is the single most demented, disgusting and unforgivable piece of exploitation fiction to ever break free unrestrained from the human psyche. Suffice to say, I loved it.

It's the only novel I can recall with which I've stated to myself, that,  'I ain't reading one more page of this sickening filth!', only to throw the book down, stare at it in disgust for a few minutes, then pick the fucker back up and start reading again. When a piece of art can disgust and attract me simultaneously to its dark dementia, I have to hold it in respect.

I wont give away any of the countless scenes of unthinkable perversions in this book, but I will say that it is guaranteed to shock even the most hardened reader. Its balls are huge, the attention to detail is sick-bag-on-standby stuff, and the relentlessness of the darkness that pervades the tale is exhausting, but its just so damn well written that you cant let it go.

Herein ye shall find a giant mutated hillbilly/monster, (who's sexual and culinary habits are unspeakable even in this here Hotel), a pair of demonic Nun's sent from the pits of hell to habitually torture and rape, a helpless priest in the most vile ways ever written, a sex-addict who can't get enough junk in her trunk, two moonshine trading serial killers who know no limits, a self mutilator who goes to ridiculous extremes, and behind and surrounding it all, a dark, demonic mystery as to who the 'Bighead' is, and  how this disparate group of fuck-ups, psycho's and devils all relate. Its sheer brilliance.

The gore, of course, is often almost unbearable, and takes up a huge chunk of the narrative, but its all for a purpose which will not become clear lest the reader mans up and trudges along till the climax. Hell, Its not like the journey ain't fun. Its so sick and twisted that its often laugh out loud. Hopefully, your not taking this stuff too seriously. The explicit violence is smartly balanced with a sly, degenerate wit that manages to make the whole thing not only bearable, but hugely enjoyable. There are so many twists and turns here, in what seems to be a simple tale, that your left in no doubt by the novels heartless, darkly humorous finale, that what you just suffered through was a work of unmitigated genius. Were this nothing other than extreme gore and violence, it would simply lay claim to the most disgusting horror book ever written. A sort of 'Snuff Novel', if you will. But with Lee's precision storytelling, a deeply involving mystery, and some fascinating and perfectly realized characters, the whole thing becomes nothing less than a classic of its time.

Most wont be able to handle Edward Lee's THE BIGHEAD. Its his most repulsive work, after all, and that's no small feat considering the mans other tales. Though in many ways, its his most accomplished work also, and boasts his most memorable characters, and scenes, (oh, how I wish those scenes were less fucking memorable).

Those of you who take up the gauntlet and manage to read the damn thing will most likely feel ashamed of yourselves for doing so. Questions will arise in your soul as to what the fuck you were thinking. You may have to make some form of atonement for enjoying such a perverted work of the devil. You may pray for salvation for your rotten eternal spirit.

But when all is said and done, and you somehow convince yourself once again that your a good and moral person, the chances are you'll find yourself looking up at your bookshelf, seeing that damn disgusting book sat atop your pile, and without knowing, a smile will bloom on your face. You made it out in one piece.

Perhaps you'll make it out just fine the second time, too...

10 CRACKHEAD BLOWJOBS out of 10